New year...new me

Well friends, it has been a while since I have posted....2014 was a super tough year for me, and now that I am feeling better and back into a routine I thought I would post.

I have decided to share my journey over the last year or so, as a way to have a clean start for the year to come.  Will and I have declared 2015 as the "year of Emily"...this will be the year we have a family, I finish my ph.d and find a job I love!

So here goes.. .(sorry its sorta long!)

2012- Will and I decide to embark on a huge adventure and leave the south for a new adventure in the Oregon.  We felt pulled to the west coast after taking a trip cross country the year before.  All the stars seemed to align perfectly and we felt that the Lord was leading us here. We arrived in Oregon and things began to fall into place.  Will was loving his new job, and we started making friends almost immediately.  I struggled with the move initially, I left a job I loved and my family to embark on this new adventure, I became depressed and had no self worth. I had always identified myself with my career, and now here I was without a job in a place without a support system. I threw myself into working on my dissertation and learning my new community. Like I said I also had made some pretty amazing friends as well..so that helped.

2013-  I found a job! I was SO excited to be back working, it was a position that I could have only dreamed of....I QUICKLY realized though..that I had the boss from HELL.  I began having terrible stress migraines and dreaded going to work everyday. I would cry all the way to work, and all the way home in the afternoon.  I had never experienced a boss this severe before, and was not sure how to handle the situation.  On top of this, Will and I have been trying to have a baby for several years, and no luck. I began fertility treatments, which were all unsuccessful.  By the end of 2013, I was at my breaking point and found a new position where I thought I could be successful and have MUCH less stress, hoping that this would help on the baby front as well. So I left my job in December 2013.

2014- I started my new job and I really really liked it...it was a much more laid back environment, it was a 40 minute drive, but honestly the drive didn't bother me, it was relaxing and gave me time to chat with my family.  February 2014, Will and I were involved in a car accident, nothing major (or so I thought). My car was totaled, but mainly because all the airbags had deployed and its SUPER expensive to put them back, oh and my axel was broken.  Two weeks to the day of the accident I got a migraine...I thought well, its from the stress of the accident (all my migraines are triggered by stress).  But this headache WOULD not go away.  So after a trip to the urgent care and a weeks worth of pain, I decided to call my neurologists.  I go to see him and he says I something is not quite right, and asks if anything has happened in the last month or so...I tell him the accident but again, it was nothing major.  I get an MRI, all the while STILL having the migraine, the SAME migraine... results come back that I have a blown disc from the car accident (or so the dr thought).  He recommends PT.  Now all this time I was still working, and driving 40 mins, and having a headache so bad that all I would do is go to work, come home, go to bed. It was a terrible cycle of constant pain. After 8 weeks of PT, I told my neurologists, I was DONE, and he confirmed that it actually had gotten worse, and recommend I go to a neurosurgeon.  At this point, I had the same headache for almost 5 months. EVERY day the same headache. My life had been reduced to laying in bed all the time, missing a TON of work and constant pain.  The neurosurgeon, lets do this, and so we did...on June 29, I had my Anterior Cervical Disc Fusion surgery.  When I woke from surgery, the first thing I said was, "my head doesn't hurt"!  The surgery had worked, they removed the disc that was pressing agains all the nerves in my head and neck causing the constant headache that had plagued me for almost 6 months. These were the WORST 6 months of my life. I would not wish them on anyone.

I honestly believe that all of this was part of my plan as created by God. I was spinning out of control and my life was total mess.  The person that I once was, was not there anymore, worn down by two years of stress, anxiety, depression, failure. When I was home healing from my surgery, I prayed to God, and I honestly believe he spoke to me, I made a decision that I SHOULD have done two years earlier, when we moved to Oregon...to take time to finish my dissertation.  Being knocked down on your butt you realize what things are important in you life, and for me I realized that my health was too important to continue on trying to heal driving 40 mins to a job that I was limping along at.  Driving became a HUGE chore, I couldn't turn my head very fast and sitting hurt.  Completing my Ph.d and getting well became my driving force.  Of course it was a very difficult decision to make, but thankfully my husband is fantastic and has supported me 100%.  I need to be stress free and well if we are going to have a baby....which is also a central force in my life right now....


Will and I have always wanted children, and we assumed that we could put them on the back burner for a while. When we turned 30 we decided to start "trying". Two years went by and nothing...but we had just moved to Oregon at that point so we decided to not worry.  Then two more years have gone by and nothing...it because very frustrating when it seems like EVERYONE you know is getting pregnant SO EASY....It's hard.  A year or so ago I went to the dr., he recommended all sorts of tests, which we did. Everything seemed to come back normal.  He put me on clomid and told me to try to time my ovulation.  That did not work. So he recommended we do IUI (Intrauterine Insemination), BUT our insurance only covers the procedure 6 times, after that we would need to go see a specialists.  So amidst the last two years of hell for me, layer on the failed attempts at pregnancy and you have a HOT mess on your hands.  At this point we have three more times to try the IUI, in the meantime, my OBGYN suggests that I go and talk to the specialists. Here is the CATCH...the specialists charges $600.00 just to schedule an appt...WHAT...WHAT....
So Will and I have to make the next decisions...do we pay the $ to see the specialists, and all the while keep trying the IUI's, or do we turn our focus to adoption.  At this point we have decided to continue with the final 3 IUI's..this procedure is FAR less expensive then IVF so its worth a shot.

Through all of this though, I have learned a lot about myself, my strength, and my faith.  2015 WILL be the year of Emily. I am putting all my trust and faith in th eLord that he will guide me through the path that he has created for me. God knows what will bring you to your knees, for he is in control; this past few years, God has brought me to the foot of the cross to make the person I am today.  I am thankful for the past years, despite how hard they have been on me.  I know that all things will work out the way they are supposed to if God is driving my ship.  He will make me a mother, some how, some way. He will heal me, he will make me strong to finish my Ph.D. He will lead me to job that is right for me.  All too often I tell my students , "don't push a circle into a square"...all the while THATH is exactly what I have been doing for 2 1/2 years.

I appreciate all the support and prayers I have received over the past years, and am sorry to anyone that I have left in the dark about all of this, I have been unsure how to discuss this all.  Thanks for listening to me rant... 2015 will be my year......